It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy & says "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her some day".

I hate that thing that happens every night right before you sleep. Every mistake you've made, every word you wish you never said, every moment that made you cry rushes back in through your head. And all you can do about it is cringe and pretend none of it all ever happened.

I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time feeling so awkward, you know, like I don't belong to my own skin. And I get so frustrated at everything. I could just scream all day and there's no reason for it.

The best way for this little sad girl to make her own confessions is just by writing here on this blog. She is that girl who has the urge to write whenever she's feeling down, depressed, caught up with different emotions that just can't be defined. It's hard to date a girl who writes when she's feeling blue. Because sometimes she doesn't know how to say it in words but by just writing it down. She'll be disappointed when she doesn't get the encouragement but she'll understand. She'll understand at the of the day. She'll understand that even that the greatest heroes fail and that happy endings take time, both in fiction and reality. But one thing she'll never get to understand is how to get rid of sadness, how to get away from that emotion. She'll never point at your flaws because she understands how it feels like to be insecure. She'll never demand anything because she's happy to give, for all the sins that she has done. She'll let you down at times when insecurity kicks up in her. Insecurity is the biggest monster in her. She's the strongest girl you can ever find around, like a titanium. But what she doesn't know is to deal with the world, to deal with people around and to deal with reality. She doesn't understand that the world is too realistic these days. That people will kill her over time, verbally with tiny harmless phrases, like be realistic. She thinks that she's not good enough to love, either emotionally or physically. She's not the girl who craves for the spotlight because she's afraid of people watching her. She's not the girl who wants attention from the public, but only the attention from you. She is that girl who can never confess to the world. The girl who can never tell people about her life because she's too ashamed of it. The girl who has too much to deal with on a daily basis.

And I couldn't stand all the emotions anymore. I don't know how to deal with it. I just want the world to stop.. to end. For all the sins I've done.

The trick is to keep breathing

No matter how often I think I can’t stand it anymore, I always do. There is no alternative. I don’t fall, I don’t foam at the mouth, faint, collapse or die. It’s the same for all of us. You can’t get out of the inside of your own head. Something keeps you going. Something always does.

ALEXITHYMIA. Because people will never understand.