The best way for this little sad girl to make her own confessions is just by writing here on this blog. She is that girl who has the urge to write whenever she's feeling down, depressed, caught up with different emotions that just can't be defined. It's hard to date a girl who writes when she's feeling blue. Because sometimes she doesn't know how to say it in words but by just writing it down. She'll be disappointed when she doesn't get the encouragement but she'll understand. She'll understand at the of the day. She'll understand that even that the greatest heroes fail and that happy endings take time, both in fiction and reality. But one thing she'll never get to understand is how to get rid of sadness, how to get away from that emotion. She'll never point at your flaws because she understands how it feels like to be insecure. She'll never demand anything because she's happy to give, for all the sins that she has done. She'll let you down at times when insecurity kicks up in her. Insecurity is the biggest monster in her. She's the strongest girl you can ever find around, like a titanium. But what she doesn't know is to deal with the world, to deal with people around and to deal with reality. She doesn't understand that the world is too realistic these days. That people will kill her over time, verbally with tiny harmless phrases, like be realistic. She thinks that she's not good enough to love, either emotionally or physically. She's not the girl who craves for the spotlight because she's afraid of people watching her. She's not the girl who wants attention from the public, but only the attention from you. She is that girl who can never confess to the world. The girl who can never tell people about her life because she's too ashamed of it. The girl who has too much to deal with on a daily basis.

And I couldn't stand all the emotions anymore. I don't know how to deal with it. I just want the world to stop.. to end. For all the sins I've done.

The trick is to keep breathing

No matter how often I think I can’t stand it anymore, I always do. There is no alternative. I don’t fall, I don’t foam at the mouth, faint, collapse or die. It’s the same for all of us. You can’t get out of the inside of your own head. Something keeps you going. Something always does.

ALEXITHYMIA. Because people will never understand.

Come count my wound. I'm not here to open up but prepare to be surprised.

And then she realized, forget the pain. It’s in the past now. Forget the sorrow and resentment. Forget the shadow that lurks in the corners of happiness. It’ll never be what it was before. You’re just strangers, strangers with memories. So she lessened the tight grip she had around her heart, and lifted her head. He looked at her and her heart started skipping, her face began to glow, and her eyes twinkled. Imagine what he could do to her if he smiled, The best way to love is like you have never been hurt.

To finally get the good

Everyone definitely has numerous negative experiences when it comes to this thing called love. For it takes going through all of the bad to finally get to the good, going through all of the downs to finally get to the ups. Mistakes we all wish we'd never done, mistakes we regretted sometimes we just want to turn back time and make it up. I try my hardest to not let my previous relationships get me down or effect me that easily. I try my hardest to remind myself of this fact that no, I would never believe in how relationships would ever work anymore. When I first hooked up with a guy in a relationship, I felt like it was meant to be forever. And there comes the second, third guy. Still, everything broke down and didn't work out. Then it happened again, and again, and again. All with different guys, from different place. So there was I reminding myself, "you dumb little girl, forever doesn't exist". But right now there's a new guy in the picture. It has been only a few months since we started talking to each other. We don't see each other everyday but yet, we feel so attached by talking to each other everyday. Different kind of conversations each time, either by getting into really intense conversations about us or just pure random silly conversations. But yeah, at first I was trying my hardest not to get too attached nor too excited. What if I just jinx it all, & he's just like the rest? I thought to myself that way. Only interested in me for lustful purposes and stops all communication between us once he knows that I'm not willing to give him my all, too fast, too soon. It has been three months now since we really got to know each other. Is it crazy that I can only think of his eyes, his smile, the way he holds my hand and kisses it, his head on my shoulder, his hand on my back? How I can literally remember clearly the feeling when he kissed me on my forehead and every moment we spent together. How I'm really surprised that he never gets tired of reminding me that I should not ever be this insecure, never gets bored of telling me how worthy am I, never gets mad eventho I would ask again and again how special am I to him. How soon is too soon to say that you know that you've found your perfect match? Perhaps I'm obsessive. Or maybe i'm just pathetically romantic. Either way, I just need to know that it is possible to let my guard down, and have an actual, full-fledged, hot-blooded romance with a great guy. I realized that I care and feel a lot for you, more than I originally had planned. I fell for you unintentionally and you helped me fix my broken pieces together. More than anything though you showed me that things can actually happen when I least expect them and need them most. I appreciate how you can be so patient when it comes to me, how you never rush us to be officially a couple although deep down you want it to happen so badly. I want to tell you how much I love you. In a way it doesn't seem too big to handle, in a way it doesn't seem too small to be cast aside, in a way it doesn't seem like a total joke, in a way it doesn't seem like it's just another bundle of words together. But I don't know how to. How to tell you I love you in the way I would want it to come out. I want to see the anticipation from your face before I can even say these words out. I want to see the smile slowly emerging out from that little face of yours. I want to feel the butterflies in your stomach. I want you to know that I feel the same way either.

A girl who has been hurt & put down so much will never believe in compliments & even forgets how it feels like to be flattered. It takes time, yeah it does =]

Let's say what's real

Friends that only come around when shit’s going good. We call those opportunists 'cause they always want something in return. Family that thinks it’s okay to stab your back, as if the wounds will heal just because the blood is shared. Exes acting as if they’ll always have the upper hand. causing problems when you’ve moved on. Trying hard to let go. If i could read everyone’s mind i could tell the real from the fake. But i can’t so i have to guess. Not that i would want to anyways. Always hearing empty “i love you’s” and “i got you if you ever need anything.” Whatever happened to stickin with who you trust instead of who you can get something out of? People trying to make money off of people instead of being genuine. Morals out the window we all just wanna get rich. Reality checked.

All that crap you hear about expressing feelings is a lie. Noone really cares what you have to say.

Somewhere along the lines, everything fell apart. In a blur of self hatred & sadness, I lost who I was. I guess lessons are just learnt that way, I guess sometimes you got to just start doing your own thing & start being selfish. Because at the end of the day, people don't remember for what good you've done but just the sins.

it's kind of like the difference between putting your hand on your knee, and him putting his hand on your knee. When you touch your knee, you don't feel it, nothing happens, it's just there. But when he has his hand there, you feel everything. Every move of his palm, every squeeze of his hand, and every brush of his finger. And you feel it right down to your toes and up to your neck. Everything in your body tingles, but it's the most wonderful thing ever. Every move he makes, makes a difference.

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s so painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete idiots about it. Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him giving you a call or showing up at your door the next day anyway. It’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it’s not her caressing your hair and telling you that everything’s going to be alright. It’s him standing there, admitting he’s just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another person’s hand and said “here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.” It makes us crazy. It makes us invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in, feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the crap out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a lot better than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole. Life is a challenge, and so is love. Things never come easy in life. If they do, memories are rare, suffering won’t get you through the tough times, there’s nothing to look back on. There’s no mistakes that you learn from. In the end, it’s all worth it =)I love you baby.

Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.

I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that are concrete, like the ocean, something you could point to and know what it was and I think that’s why she struggled with love. She couldn’t touch it. She couldn’t hold on to it and make sure it never changed. I think she's so me.

When someone’s worth it, you are willing to stop flirting with other people to prove it to them. You are willing to stay up late even if you’re really sleepy and tired. You instantly “miss” them as soon as you guys get off the phone. You start to think about the future with them and you just can’t help but smile. When someones “worth it”, don’t let them get away.

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

Far too often we depend on others to make us happy, when really all we have to do is look in the mirror and realize happiness starts within ourselves. She’s the girl that believes that what comes around goes around. The one that hopes for a better day. The one that won’t give up on you. She’s the girl that’s unlike the rest. The one that spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. She’s the girl that would love to be loved. The one that looks so damn strong, but feels so weak. She’s the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.  And she‘ll be okay. She really will. She’s tough…and She deserve to be happy.

You'll never be brave if you don't get hurt

life is going to throw you so many obstacles to overcome. some are going to be easier than others, some will leave you happy and some will kill you deep inside. but no matter what happens in the end, it’ll always bring along more and more obstacles to face. You just have to stand tall, hold your head high and just take whatever life brings to you. The main thing I learned? if you aren’t willing to put up with a little pain, you won’t go far. With every journey you’ll get scratches and bruises, but if you really love it, those scratches will be worth it and you wouldn’t really notice them because you take the pain with the joy. The important thing is not to bitter over life’s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past and recognize that everyday won’t be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it’s only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home.

What I want is somebody who will eat up all my ego, somebody who is addicted to me. A mutual addiction.