Im terrified, I'm scared I won't add up to your expectations. I'm not perfect, I'm not killer gorgeous. I don't have neither the prettiest smile nor the most banging body ever. I'm not gonna look adorable every second of the day, all day, everyday. I'm not always going to know the right thing to say and the right time to say it. I can be very emotional act like a spoiled brat at times. I'm usually over reacting on the littlest things and cry over nothing. I would never want to break down and shed even a tear in front of you because I'm afraid you might think it's annoying. I'm afraid I wont add up to your ex girlfriend who used to mean the world you, remember?

It takes alot for me not to like someone

Especially someone that used to be attached to my hip,someone I used to call one of my best friends. But you, I definitely do not like you whatsoever. In all honesty, you're a pathetic excuse . I want nothing to do with you anymore. I never want you to call me, text me, be in touch with me, nothing. Not like you try to talk to me anyways because you're so far up your boyfriend's ass. It's kind of funny how you'd always come up with excuse about how you can't come to a dinner, gathering or you have to leave way earlier than anyone else. You're so full of shit. I'm sure you were still drunk or whatever and just never wanna make an appearance at every Sunday's dinner, like always. I hate your boyfriend, I think he's a piece of shot and has gotten you into something bad, period. He's annoying and now you've became annoying. The way you talk is atrocious and disgusting. I wouldn't want to be seen in public with both you and your boyfriend. I can't even stand to be in the same room as you. I never want to see you or put up with you. I never tend to bring my other cousins to usual Sunday gatherings back then because you're such an embarrassment. Drama is what you bring to the table, literally. I think it's funny how you brag about how good your life is and how much your man makes but yet you have the nerve to even asked me to borrow almost a thousand buck? Uhhh ohhh looks like there's something wrong there, I thought he made such good money! The only kind of people that blow through a thousand buck like that are the kind that have some kind of problem which seems apparent that it's a drug problem. Get over it, and I love how you get jealous over out friendship, get the fuck over it. But you are the dumbest person on earth if these assumptions are true. The more I think about past weird things, the more it makes sense. Don't ever try to put things past me again because it will never work.
Toodles whore!

I'm in my late teens. I go home, My perfectly washed and blown hair goes up into messy buns. Make up has faded a little so I would just take it off or due to laziness I'll just leave it that way. The fake smile on my really bad day would vanish into how I really feel. Brand new outfit would be replaced into my favorite comfortable cooling jammies. Skinny jeans or shorts are taken off. When I go home, I bet Boone would recognize me. I am guessing all the teenage girls would do the same.

Valentine's Day

So here is what I have to say about valentine's day. There are plenty of my friends, this bunch of community on facebook I assume, complained and say they hate valentines but really they are just upset that they don't have one because I promise them that if they did, they wouldn't be saying that. Now I have a boyfriend and he's amazing. But still I don't understand what the big deal of valentines day is like "oh yayyy! This is the only day I can be all adorable and give my guy/lady stuff" like NO! Be cute at random times or better yet, all the time. Why does there have to be one specific day for people to be all sweet and stuff. That should happen all the time if you ask me. And the material stuff? Like 10 feet big ass teddy bears like seriously? Why waste almost 150 to almost 200 on it, I would rather get a card with you telling me how you feel. My boyfriend's gift was wonderful, I loved it. I got a pair of bracelet which I appreciate the most until today, until whenever, a hand-made heart written with nail polish which I find very cute! I mean I never once did celebrate the perfect valentines nor receive hand-made stuff like this so yeah. No need for gigantic teddy bears with a million baloons, I don't know, but complaining about not having a valentine is annoying. And if you're single on valentines, shit go out and have some fun being single! You can't find love by desperately looking for it. You got to just wait and it will unexpectedly come to you. Valentines day should be celebrated all 364 days, big time and that another day to tell the people you hate how much you hate them. It's like 364 days of love and one day for hate. I think.

Xoxo,
Velove

Things I think about in class :

• Shut the fuck up, why are you talking so much in Chinese, I don't understand that well so I assumed you are bitching about me.
• when is it lunch when it's only the first period.
• why isn't there anyone attractive in here? And most of the people looked like they don't shower before coming for class.
• who the fuck is this kid, trying to talk to me but total failure.
• wonder who's the virgin in the class
• ahhhh that girl is wearing the same outfit again and again.
• I love that girl's hair I wish I could ask her are those extensions?
• madam, can you please move to the next page you'd been repeating the same thing over and over again.
• oh shit, I seriously need to stop swearing so much -_-

So, I have this friend who bumped into me when I was having my early lunch in campus and the issue about personality and attitude came out during our random conversation. I personally think that attitude and personality are two different things, I mean I can decipher between both very well myself. My personality stays within me wherever I am, in all situation, all places. My attitude? Depends on the people in front of me. It's different, seriously.

You know what's cute?

I definitely find it adorable when someone remembers the littlest details about you. It's even more adorable when the person actually takes the time and effort to surprise you with the things you don't remember telling them about. It's like they've read your mind. The kind of person who focus and listen attentively to what you say just so they can use it to their advantage in order to put a smile on your face. I really appreciate thoughtful people who go out of their ways just so they can make you happy. It's really beautiful. Really beautiful.

How I Wish I Could Tell You Mummy

I wish I could tell you how much you mean the world to me, but there are no words to say how much i admire you, how much I appreciate you, how much I thank you. My mummy somehow lives in my laughter and crystallized in every single tear drop of mine. She's the map that follows me every step I take. Not time, not space, not even death can separate me from my mummy, I carry her inside of me. I don't know how she do it, she is strong like a diamond in the rough. She can multi-task like crazy. Mummy, remember how you get to memorize every timetable of my subjects for every semester since I'm here and never fail to call me up every morning when my attendance downgraded tho it's my responsibility to do so. Remember the time when you transferred money to me right after I gave you a call to tell you that I'm going for shopping with friends when you got to work, socialize with the clients even if you don't feel pleased to, you go home right after work and never fail to keep the house sparkling clean everyday. You sit in the living room after your long day and start checking the bills and letters until midnight. I don't know how but you have that much of energy? Mummy, you're like a god.
Each and every time I hit the club, you would tell me to take care and not to drink too much. Sometimes I wouldn't listen. You told me not to walk alone when the sky turns dark, you're dreadfully worried about me every single minute and I never listen. You told me to eat my meals on time so I wouldn't get gastric and suffer myself but I just wouldn't listen. You told me not to bring handbags out when I tend to walk in the streets so I wouldn't get snatched, I'd never listen. You told me not to text when I'm crossing a road but I wouldn't listen to you. What if, what if one day I drink too much and drive home unconsciously, suddenly got into an accident? What if one day I walk alone at night and got raped or kidnapped and totally lose control of my brains? What if one day my gastric problem leads to colone cancer that I might have to do an operation which costs you a big lumsum? What if one day I got snatched and hit my head on the rocks that leads me to comma for the rest of my life? What if one day I didn't pay attention while crossing the road, knocked off by a car and get paralyzed? What if just what if. I regretted for not listening to your words, I was immature. And now I'm learning to appreciate all you've done. I'm so proud to claim that, I love you mummy <3 Thank you for always being there, for being my rock when I am a pain in the ass. Thank you for returning that love time and time again. Thank you for striving hard to help me grow. I love you mummy, I love you.

Amazingly Not

I wish to be THE girl whom when you talk to, there's literally nowhere else you would rather be because just by talking to me could be one of the life's greatest joys. I may not be the smartest girl in the world, but I wanna be smart enough to know how to get inside your head and take over your heart. I might not be the prettiest either but hopefully I have a face that matches my heart and a smile that will send you to heaven. I wish every little flaw I have doesn't matter but all of them can actually add up to my perfection. I wish you could feel it too when my heart aches, when it rips into two. I wish I wouldn't have to tell you a word and you can read it all in silence. I wish you would want to be here by my side and protect me from any harm, tell the world how proud you are to own me. Most guys literally told me I'm the kind that every guy spends his own life searching for. And I'm telling you, the best part of it, I'm yours :)

I hate it when people with amazing bodies talk about how fat they are and how they wish they were skinnier. It makes me feel so worthless because I know I'm fatter than every single one of them.

Title-less

Relationships do not get easier. Everyday is a struggle, everyday is a battle. It doesn't get easier with time. In fact, It gets harder. The secret is finding someone who's willing to be weak and strong with you at the same time. The secret is finding someone who's willing to work with you and who will push you, challenge you, make it harder for you to leave. The beauty of the relationship is in the struggle. I know I'm not perfect and you're not either, but I'm willing to work on us because I love you and love is never perfect somehow. I'm trying my best not to be so attached to you because I'm afraid if one day you're gone, a part of me is too.
I believe memory is a way of holding on to the things that you love, the things you are and the things you never want to lose. That is the reason I don't want to be reminded on anything about your past or anything that relates to you and her. It's about the memories. I hate to stay strong, I hate it when I'm trying not to cry, and I can feel my eyes start to water and I look up to try to prevent the tears from falling but they do anyways. Then when I start crying I just lose it and all the emotions that I was holding in, comes out. It feels really bad, terrible. I'm an complete ass.
Somehow somewhere between laughing for no reason, making fun of each other, and calling each other names, I fell for you again and again. I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass at times. Xoxo.

WRITTEN WITH PASSION

I wanna be someone who makes heart-shaped sandwiches for you, someone who laugh at your worst joke, someone who makes your reality better than your dreams, someone with deep black eyes to get lost in, someone who sends you picture to show off my new outfit, someone who makes it seem like a movie, someone who's laughter is contagious, someone who doesn't make you explain yourself, someone who looks good in anythin. I wanna be the someone who will be the 'you' in every love song, someone who genuinely understands every single act of yours, someone to share a secret handshake with, someone who makes awkward moments fun, someone who will wipe the sweat from your nose, someone who will get you try new things in life, someone who will find a thousand ways to keep us going, someone who will just bring one umbrella out when it's raining just so you can be under the umbrella with me, someone who will let me put my cold feet on you in bed to warm me up, someone who will make you laugh so hard that you would need to pee right after.

And you are someone who's eyes gesticulate and widen when you're talking about something that you're really passionate about.
Someone with the patience to deal with my immaturity, someone who spends time being shameless with me, someone who's the total opposite of me but fits me perfectly in anyway, someone whose appreciation is far better than anyone else, someone who will finish the french fries off my plate when im too full, someone who will get me try new things in life, someone who pinch me on my nose and kiss it afterward, someone who will correct my bad grammar. You are someone who actually believes in "what yours is mine", I want you to be someone who doesn't find my swearing unattractive, someone who feeds me surprises like inhaling oxygen, someone who will like my post I wrote on facebook, someone who find my fashion knowledge endearing, someone who says what I need to hear most, someone who is always willing to meet me halfway, someone who will accidentally run into me just so you can give me a hug. I want you to be my certain someone whom wouldn't look over me just to watch football on television, someone who will turn back for one last look before you leave, someone who will eat instant noodles with me when I run out of money for a proper meal, someone who wouldn't mind my indecisiveness even on the littlest things. Someone who gives me reasons to believe in happy endings.


I want you to be that certain someone in my life, youkbowehoyouare.


I wanna be that someone

YOUR HEART OF DESIRE

This Struggle.

I love food. I hate food. It's love and hate at the same time. Obssessing and repulsing. Two complete opposite emotions focused on the same topic. Eating : I want to eat, I am hungry. I love food. It's good and tasty. I don't want to eat. I want to be skinny again. I hate food and how it makes me feel. My mind can't handle the back and forth. I usually give in to one side. Most usually it's the eating side. I say 'whatever' and just eat honestly WHATEVER. Then, it turns into a binge. Then I can't stop. Then I feel horrible, depressed, fail. Or i do the opposite. Just don't start eating, and I won't lose control. Don't put anything in my mouth and everything will be okay. I'll be okay. But I'm not okay. I need to eat. Everyone needs to eat to live. So the problem isn't the food. The problem is the MIND STRUGGLE that I go through every time I am faced food.

Me. Today.

Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain

I've completely gone and now I'm back, all over again. New semester started 3weeks ago. I let myself think that life is gettin better. It wasn't, now I'm slippin worse than ever, there's like a knot in my stomach caused my gastric I'm on the verge on tears whenever I think about anythin related to you and your past. I can't help it but to think, think and think. I'm panicked and I'm anxious and I'm worried and I'm nervous. Here I am in the computer lab surrounded by people but I feel left out. I feel I'm alone at the corner. I feel sick of being lonely but I feel like goin home and never wanna see anybody ever and ever again. I want to go outside and scream until my lungs give up and I can't scream anymore. I don't want to speak, I don't want to listen, I don't want to interact, I want everythin to just stop. Anythin about you and your past. I feel so angry and sad at the same time I don't know why. It's like I really want to erase everythin about your past and be confident that our relationship is much more lively than anythin but no, it hurts me alot. It affects me alot. I want to ruin everythin and set fire to what's left but I can't make this go away.

all you can hear is the sound of your own heart,
and all you can feel is your lungs flood,
how long do I need more to forget your past?

L.O.V.E

I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now, and to be able to love because that liberates. Love liberates, it doesn't just hold. That's ego. It doesn't bind. Love says " I love you if you're in China, I love you if you're across the town, I love you even if you don't love me, I love you. I would like to be near you. I'd like to have your arms around me. I'd like to hear your voice in my ears. Even if it's not possible now, I still love you. Distance shouldn't be an excuse. So I still love you.

The Urge to Blog Again

There are so many more important things in this world and I feel like an awful, selfish bitch to be only caring about my own self issues. I need to sort my life out and stop being a brat.